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Couples Sleeping Separate or Together: What Works for Better Zzzs?
Should couples sleep separately or together? Read this to know why each option might work for you. Plus, expert opinions on couple sleeping arrangements.
Couples sleeping apart? Nowadays, it’s more common than you think. You’re here because you’re likely considering a change in sleeping arrangement. Maybe you’re on the fence since it’s a big decision. And who can blame you? It pretty much challenges the convention where couples usually sleep together.
Now, let’s look at it from a scientific point of view. When 2 people occupy the same sleeping space, their individual sleep habits can affect each other. This can either lead to sleep disturbances or a blissful experience. How well you catch zzzs as a couple can significantly impact your health, mood, and interaction.
We wrote this article to help you make an informed decision, lining up the pros of sleeping separately and together. We also look at what the experts say and how couples sleeping separately or together impacts your relationship.
Let’s get started.
Key Takeaways
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Couples that share a bed experience enhanced intimacy, synchronized sleep patterns, and better sleep quality. Ultimately, these strengthen emotional bonds and overall well-being.
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Some couples opt to sleep in separate bedrooms to accommodate individual sleep needs, preferences, medical conditions and their personal space.
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The decision to sleep together or separately depends on individual needs, sleep compatibility, relationship dynamics, and living situation. Couples should experiment to determine which best supports their sleep quality and relationship.
Table of Contents
What Are the Benefits of Couples Sleeping Together?
Sharing a bed with your partner is a wonderful expression of intimacy and closeness. Snuggling up close when you sleep can strengthen your emotional bond and make you feel safe and secure. It’s hard to beat the physical and emotional warmth of being wrapped up in your partner's arms.
Did you know that couples often find that, over time, their sleeping habits begin to synchronize? Synchronized sleep schedules can make drifting off and waking up in the morning a shared experience.
Sleeping together is also beneficial for REM sleep, the sleep stage wherein the brain really gets its chance to recharge. According to Sleep.com, a study conducted in Germany found that “sleeping together allowed couples to spend longer in REM sleep with less interruption of REM cycles.(1)”
In short, sleeping together helps couples feel more united through simple yet meaningful nightly rituals. It’s like the ultimate team effort in catching those zzzs.
(By the way, if you share a bed with your partner, our blog post on couple sleeping positions may interest you.)
What Are the Pros of Couples Sleeping in Separate Beds?
It’s true that sleeping side by side can be beneficial to your zzzs and relationship health. However, some couples might find that having their own sleeping spaces suits them better.
A sleeping space needs to be cool, dark and free of disturbances for you to get quality zzzs. The thing with couples sleeping together is that if one partner tends to toss and turn, snores or has a different sleep schedule, sharing a bed might not be ideal. Choosing separate sleeping arrangements can prevent sleep disruptions and ensure both you and your partner enjoy restful sleep.
Another reason couples sleep separately is they value their personal space. For some, catching zzzs is tricky when sharing a bed. Sleeping in separate beds can offer privacy and breathing room needed to sleep well.
Why Have Separate Bedrooms for Couples Become Popular?
In recent years, more couples are choosing to sleep in separate bedrooms. It may sound odd, but it may be a relationship saver if a couple is at odds regarding sleep habits. This sleeping arrangement is also known as a “sleep divorce.” The term may sound extreme, but it’s really just about choosing individual sleeping spaces.
Having a sleep divorce could be due to wildly different sleep schedules and unique sleeping preferences. Even more challenging is if one has a medical condition like sleep apnea or restless leg syndrome.
A recent American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) survey found that “more than one-third of people say they occasionally or consistently sleep in another room to accommodate a bed partner.” Furthermore, Dr. Seema Khosla of the AASM says, “We know that poor sleep can worsen your mood, and those who are sleep deprived are more likely to argue with their partners. There may be some resentment toward the person causing the sleep disruption which can negatively impact relationships.(2)”
While having separate bedrooms might strike some as unconventional or taboo, it's a sensible option for many couples. A sleep divorce doesn’t automatically mean you have a troubled relationship. Think of it as valuing each other’s well-being and your own so you get the adequate rest you both need.
Separate or Together: What Are Factors to Consider?
Sleeping couples separate or together — how do you choose? There are several factors to consider:
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Individual needs
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Sleep compatibility
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Relationship dynamics
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Living situation
Now, let’s take a closer look at each of these factors.
When it comes to individual needs, you and your partner should think about health issues, job commitments or personal habits that might impact how well you sleep. For instance, if one of you does shift work, causing a huge difference in your sleep schedule.
Another is when one of you is a snorer. A sleep divorce due to snoring may sound harsh, but it may be a relationship saver. According to Psychology Today, “A snoring problem often creates not only tiredness but also frustration and resentment between couples. It can interfere with sexual and emotional intimacy.(3)”
You and your partner should examine your sleep compatibility. Take a closer look at your sleep habits, preferences, and anything that might be messing with your sleep quality. If you and your partner find yourselves on entirely different pages, then sleeping in separate beds might be the ticket to getting some seriously good zzzs.
Now, say you switch from a separate sleeping arrangement to one where you share a bed (or vice versa). Think of it as an experiment. Evaluate how the change affects your emotional bond and closeness. Determine if it interferes with or boosts your relationship dynamics, then decide on a more permanent sleep set-up.
Finally, consider your living situation. Do you have enough room to go for separate bedroom arrangements? Get creative and try various sleep add-ons to help you get better zzzs. Snoring partner? A comfy pair of earplugs or a white noise machine can do wonders. Does your partner toss and turn or have restless leg syndrome? Separate beds might do the trick.
What’s the Impact of Couple Sleeping Arrangements on a Relationship?
As mentioned earlier, your sleeping arrangements can impact your relationship dynamics as a couple.
One possibility is that sleeping apart will strengthen your bond by letting you both rest well and, as a result, be your best selves. Meanwhile, it may also be a barrier to intimacy and emotional connection. In this case, sleeping together might be the better option.
Do you know what’ll help? Talk openly with your partner about what’ll be best for you when it comes to sleep. This includes bringing up any worries or feelings that go with your choice of sleeping arrangements. (Honesty is the best policy here.) Teamwork is essential when deciding on a sleep set-up that’ll benefit your health and happiness.
There’s no universal solution when it comes to relationships, and that includes how you sleep as a couple. What might be ideal for others could be unsuitable for your unit. Prioritize your relationship and respect each other's needs when establishing a sleeping setup that benefits your bond.
What Do Experts Say About Couple Sleeping Arrangements?
Professionals from sleep medicine, psychology, and relationship counseling have weighed in on how couples choose to sleep together. Here’s what some have to say:
According to sleep expert Dr. Michael Breus of Sleep Doctor, “Sleeping with a partner may promote better quality sleep by helping you feel more calm, secure, and comfortable both in your environment and in your relationship.(4)” But he also cautions that sleeping together takes compromise. Open and honest communication about sleep problems is a must, mainly when they cause a couple to be sleep-deprived.
Meanwhile, psychotherapist Allison Villa told the CBC that it isn’t uncommon for newborn parents to sleep in separate bedrooms. She says, “One person tunes into the kid's sleep cycle usually, and the other person that night gets to sleep uninterrupted." And "At least one person has a better sleep, and so you can kind of pass the baton in that way.(5)”
Sleep expert Kora Habinakova had something to say about sleeping in separate bedrooms. She told Newsweek: “A sleep divorce is a divisive topic and often people associate it with the crumbling of a relationship. However, this is not the case. Sharing a bed with someone can often lead to a restless night's sleep.” And, “a sleep divorce may actually be the key to helping your relationship.(6)”
Behavioral scientist Dr. Wendy Troxel explained to Sleep.com that partners who share a bed are important to each other’s health. She says: “One way partners are important to health is by identifying a problem with the other’s sleep. If snoring is driving you to sleep in another room, or thrashing is waking you up during the night, that’s a good signal that maybe you want to encourage your partner to talk about this issue with their doctor.(7)”
How Do You Get Better Sleep as a Couple?
The choice between sharing a bed or sleeping apart is entirely up to you as a couple. However, we figured we’d give you some tips on scoring better sleep quality regardless of your choice:
Develop a sleep schedule and stick to it — even on weekends! A regular sleep and wake schedule synchronizes your body’s circadian rhythm, leading to better sleep quality. (As mentioned earlier, sleeping together can synchronize your sleep schedules as a couple.)
Ensure your bedroom is conducive to good sleep. Keep it cool, dark and quiet. Consider cooling bedsheets, a white noise machine or an excellent sleep mask. Also, read our article on how to make your bedroom darker for more tips.
Wanna drift off faster and have fewer awakenings? Steer clear of stimulants like caffeine or nicotine close to bedtime. Oh, and limit screen time before bed. The blue light from gadgets can trick your mind that it’s time to be awake. Also, incorporate relaxing activities like taking a warm bath, reading and gentle stretches into your pre-bedtime routine. These will help you unwind.
We mentioned this earlier, but nothing beats open communication when you’re threshing out your sleep issues. Work through your snooze problems and come up with solutions that’ll work for you both.
If either suspects you have sleep issues, see your healthcare provider. (We mean conditions like sleep apnea, insomnia and restless leg syndrome, to name a few.) They can give you tailored sleep advice and prescribe sleep aids. Just like in other areas of your relationship, look out for each other in this aspect.
Conclusion: Find What Works Best for You!
Do you want to be a couple sleeping together? Or do you want to explore separate bedrooms for couples? Well, it’s a choice that you need to make together. What matters is figuring out the best setup that suits your situation, requirements, and preferences as individuals and a couple.
If your sleep quality and general well-being are compromised, consider experimenting with your sleep arrangement. Be open and honest with your partner and respect each other's sleep preferences. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting to find out what works best for both your physical and emotional well-being.
What sleep arrangement do you have with your partner? Help other readers by letting them know what it is and how well it works. Drop a comment below.
Sources:
(1) and (7) “How Sharing a Bed with Your Partner Improves Your Health and Relationship.” Sleep.com, www.sleep.com/sleep-health/couples-sleeping-together. Accessed 25 October 2024.
(2) “Over a third of Americans opt for a ‘sleep divorce.’” American Academy of Sleep Medicine, aasm.org/over-a-third-americans-opt-sleep-divorce/. Accessed 25 October 2024.
(3) “How to Keep Snoring from Hurting Your Relationship.” Psychology Today, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sleep-newzzz/201412/how-to-keep-snoring-from-hurting-your-relationship. Accessed 25 October 2024.
(4) “Sharing a Bed: Benefits, Drawbacks, & Tips.” Sleep Doctor, sleepdoctor.com/sleep-hygiene/sharing-a-bed/. Accessed 25 October 2024.
(5) “The new sleeping arrangement: Why some couples are choosing separate bedrooms.” CBC, https://www.cbc.ca/life/culture/couples-choosing-separate-bedrooms-benefits-1.7289998. Accessed 25 October 2024.
(6) “Why Experts Want Couples To Consider Sleeping Apart This Winter.” Newsweek, www.newsweek.com/experts-sleep-couples-relationship-winter-1846785. Accessed 25 October 2024.
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